Back from Ewa Beach, Hawaii Monday 15th September 2008, 10:35 PM
Third of the way in.
It's my 4th day here and I'm settling in pretty well. When I arrived I had a nice welcome from John immediately at the airport. We drove loud and fast down the freeway, headed to a bar and had a great start to my holiday; I thought it would have been uphill from there...
The first three days I had eaten nothing besides half burger bun and a few grapes. I was having such a hard time settling in. when you travel a different country, the bacteria (both good and bad) differ between countries, and it ruins me, I was eating more tablets than food. My throat was sharp and saw, my head was throbbing constantly, and as for my stomach, well, I won't go into detail. I was on the couch, every day, watching TV, for hours on end, nothing more. I felt sick, but I couldn't throw up, moving irritated my head, and even just drinking was incredibly painful.
We visited a couple of bars that I came to last time I was here, Johns mate Mike has a nice Subaru that we ride around in, but Johns jeep pumps out some meaty bass, so riding about is always pleasant with nice scenery. The house I'm staying in is beautiful too. It's spacious, clean and cool, if you want to break away from the heat outside, (you gotta love aircon). Id say the only bad part is that it's not so central, so Waikiki , the main area we visit, is 1 ¾ hours by bus or 40 minutes by car. Johns has been working a lot so travelling about is not easy. He's tried so hard but I do realise he's a busy man, but id rather be here when he's working, than not at all. So I have plenty of time at home to chill, and Mikes been great. He's drove me about, he's taken me shopping, and texts me to see what's up.
Last night was amusing, Mike took me to Hooters, now the only way I can describe hooters is either, go to their website, or it's a food-bar with young ladies in very tight uniforms. I don't get embarrassed too often but the amount of metaphorical boobs on the walls, menu, photos, it wasn't even subtle, but it was amusing. Even the bill has the name of the waitress in a pink heart.
I was always a little curious about me and John, we don't have labels, we a definitely not a couple, nothings serious, and although I didn't tell many people the risk of coming out here, I came out and it went great. John is a laid back guy, but he doesn't express his feelings often – even his mate says that. I don't know where I stand, so I initiated a conversation today. He says that he's a closed person, and doesn't let people into his life often. He wouldn't let someone stay at his house and he would of invited me back if he though I was ‘just cute'. I thought there may be a possibility that this could have been an option, someone you had a good time with for a day, and they where coming back for 2 weeks, I guess some people may consider? I would enjoy working out here for a year, and id put the effort in if he was up for it, but if he didn't like me, id prefer not to know now, tell me another time. He said well chat another time, so now I'm questioning just as much as I was in the first place. You'll hear the final decision later on in this blog, but I haven't a clue at this point, and frankly I'm petrified.
He said he likes spending time with me, and thinks of me more than just a bit of fun. What makes this so hard is that there's no plan, no labels, and worst of all, no finale!? I don't know what I'm going to achieve out of this or for that matter what John is. All I know if that I can put enough effort into this, then John may see how much I ‘like' him. – I use the term like loosely since I can't confirm anything with anyone at this point.
8 th Day in…
Last night was interesting. John had been working in the morning allowing us to be together for most of the day. Now, he is more affectionate after a few drinks, and he only seems to talk about guys then too. Because of the job he does and other parts of his life, being gay isn't accepted so well, and because he doesn't feel comfortable with guys, he likes a drink or so to feel better with them. He still likes fun with girls, but describes himself as gay. I would have prodded a bit further but he seemed a bit tense, I don't think he has many people that he will open up to, or at least people who want to know more about him, hmm tough cookie eh?
2 days left.
Found out some nice news today. John doesn't have work today instead of a 9am-9am shift on call, so things may be a bit more normal. The night I wanted to talk to him, there was some trouble at home so that night and yesterday weren't the best times to talk to him. I said when I first met him and also recently that I wanted to take him out, and so a fancy meal and a talk this evening should be ideal, I just hope that its something terrible doesn't happen this evening. That's all. Excuse me or setting up this up so to speak but I'd rather embrace the situation than avoid it.
You know, sometimes I don't know what's harder, receiving news off of a guy that he likes you more than a buddy, and he wants to spend more time with you, or the thought of that he likes you, just as a buddy and 'it was fine while it lasted', imagine a gruelling 20 hour journey home with that on your mind.
I need to speak to john and it needs to be soon, I'm a very impatient person, ask my dad, ask Paul or anyone, I realise this and I've waited for so long to hear johns ending of 'the talk' and I'm think I know the answer. He wouldn't save bad news for the middle of the trip, I'm trying to be more of a realist than a pessimist, but how can ones thoughts be decided than their current emotional state? I dare to say it but I think I love him (all hell will break loose when I say this and I'm prepared to take the consequences) but I'm such on the edge I doubt I can hold my emotions much longer. It will be a problem when I leave, I'm too comfortable here, but I want to do a few things when I get home.
- I want to learn to drive, it seems essential out here
- I want to complete my uni, and progress fast. In my job too? Yes
All of this becomes null should john not like me but still, I have my ambition and that's something that's never going to leave me.
Last full day
I feel quite depressed that I'm off home within 24 hours. I've packed my stuff while Johns at work. His proposed hours are 9am to 9am, and my flights at 7am, so he will have to see if he can get the time off to take me to the airport, if not we'll have to arrange something. As for our date last night, it was amazing. I took him to this fancy restaurant called the cheesecake factory, as cheesy as it sounds it has a half an hour queue and the food is amazing. Over our candlelit table we ordered plenty of drinks as we continually kept on catch each others eyes with a smile, we had a great chat about the UK in general, the cost of living and nightlife there too. He seems pretty positive in coming over, although he does want to meet some ‘cute UK guys' so I guess that answers part of my question. He said that I was ‘quite a catch' which was awfully sweet. I hope he can come soon, since I haven't a clue what I'm going to do with myself when I get back to the UK . As I said before I would like to learn to drive, since it seems and essential skill, I also applied for my last unit of my course, so that'll keep me busy for 12 weeks. I don't know if there will be a chat, and as I said we don't have labels, I guess I can just label us ‘complex'.
I'm on my flight home, about two thirds into my entire journey. The 5 hours trip from Honolulu I kept on drifting in and out if sleep so that didn't feel too long. At San Francisco I had 4 hours to kill, but again I got a pizza, wandered about so again, time flew pretty fast. I'm about 3 hours into my 10 hour flight back to the UK . I'm in a batter state than last time, when you spend 15 hours travelling further and further away from someone you really care for, it kind of plays on your mind, especially when you know you aren't going to see them for 4, 6 even 8 months time?! John may come to the UK in about 6 months time, but I don't think I can wait that long.